Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is the ups and downs of being a creative, and more specifically the killer nature of creativity. It probably isn't a surprise to anyone reading this, but I consider myself a creative person. I do a Creative Writing degree and my passions in life have always fallen on the creative side. Yet in the past year or so, I've been noticing how sometimes wanting to be creative is emotionally draining.
I've been experiencing frequent burnt out periods, times where I feel so uninspired to do the things I love. I've noticed this more since I started my degree in particular. As much as I love my degree and I couldn't imagine studying anything else, I also feel that I have turned my passion into something I dread. Maybe it's because I'm at a stage in my life where I am not doing exactly what I want to do and my work is focused on areas and projects I don't care for. Since starting my degree, I don't want to work on my own projects. That's why I made one of my goals this year to work on one non-uni writing project.
A side effect of feeling burnt out all the time is that when I do have inspiration or time to pursue my own projects, I don't want to. I want time off from what I do and yet I never give myself that time off. Writing this makes it sound like I don't like writing and that I don't want to spend my life doing that, but that's not true. I love writing and I can't wait to make a career out of it. I think I'm in that awkward stage where I'm still trying to work out what it is within writing that I like and finding what makes me passionate. If you had asked me at the start of my degree, I would have said either YA novels or a stage play. Over a year and half later, I know want to work in the TV and film sector.
A contributing factor to why I sometimes I find creativity a killer is because like everyone else I crave validation and success. I want people to go "wow, you're really good" and sometimes people do that, but a lot of the time it's about learning and improving. This feeling comes more from putting my writing online. I see all these people succeeding and I wonder why I'm not. We all have a need to be the best at what we do and we seek validation through praise, but it takes time to get to that stage. I've been running this blog for almost five years and one of the things that demotivates me is the fact that not many people follow my little, somewhat niche corner of the internet. I am not well known for my blogging and that makes me sad. What makes me even sadder is that I know I don't need validation and success to be happy at what I do. Yes, I put so much time into working on my blog and my degree, and the results are average. Average is fine and I'm slowly learning that I don't need everyone patting me on my back for me to know that I am actually good at what I do.
All of this boils down to why do I like being creative? What is the reason that I do this? It's not for success, validation or to spend hours upon hours doubting my skills. I like being creative because it makes me happy. Simple as that. With the things I create, I want to make other people happy. Something that inspires me to be a writer is the fact that there are writers out there who have inspired me and I would like to be that person for someone else. Even if I only inspire one person, I consider that I job well done. This contradicts what I just said, but I don't care about praise and success and awards (though some would be nice), what makes me a happy and hopefully one day somewhat successful writer, is that fact that someone out there might pick up a pen because of me.
As creatives, we strive to be constantly creating and working, yet we never give ourselves breaks. We bounce from project to project, craving validation, but we end up burning ourselves out. It is trying to break this cycle that makes us good creatives. Don't force creativity for the sake of creativity, let it flow naturally. Work on things that make you happy (unless you have to work on those for your degree, then you have to work on those as well). Despite the fact that these thoughts are constantly swirling around my head all the time, I am proud to be a creative and I will be one until the day I die.
All the best,
Carenza x
